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Loneliness; Are you one of the 48%?

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‘Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty’   Mother Teresa

According to a BBC poll published this October almost half  (48%) of all adults in England say they experience feelings of loneliness.

Mervyn Kohler a Specialist adviser to Age UK says;  ”Loneliness is on the increase for a variety of reasons, mostly because of the changing nature of society.”

Loneliness is not confined to just one sector of the population. According to the poll, 18 to 24 year olds experience it just as much as those people who are in their sixties or older. The poll discovered that if you are between 30 and 50 you are less likely to be lonely, probably because you have a houseful of children or teenagers and are busy working.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. People do choose to be alone and live perfectly happily without a great deal of contact with others. In contrast you may see lots of people, be in a family and/or a relationship but still feel lonely.

‘Loneliness is not feeling part of the world. You might be surrounded by loads of people but…. You are (still) lonely’   Mind

Loneliness is therefore an emotional state but it can have a big impact on our mental health and our physical health too.

How long does loneliness last?

Loneliness usually is a transient emotional state. It’s something that most people experience at some point in their lives. When we have a big change in our lives like moving to a new town for example or suffer a loss such as the end of a relationship or a bereavement then we experience the pain of being cut off from people; we feel lonely. Usually those feelings of isolation and sadness recede as you begin again to participate in the world, building new relationships that relieve the feelings of loneliness.

What happens if these feelings don’t go away?

For some people the loneliness doesn’t go away; they fail to get themselves out of this state of loneliness and gradually become more and more isolated. It can become a downward spiral as the loneliness can lead to self -isolation so that the person appears to others that they do not wish to form connections. This then of course deepens the feelings of loneliness even more.

Can loneliness affect your health?

Your mental health can be significantly affected by feelings of loneliness. Studies have shown that people who are lonely experience more stress and have low self -esteem. Loneliness can contribute to mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.   Being physically isolated can also lead to poor eating habits and having less motivation to exercise regularly.

What can you do to overcome loneliness?

The charity Mind give some great suggestions for you to try. They talk first about making contact. Connecting with the world around you can help alleviate feelings of loneliness. Small steps can help with this such as a phone call or email to someone. Having a walk and taking the time to say hello to someone or try to join in a conversation. Mind suggest that no matter how difficult make the most of opportunities for social contact.

Meeting new people and making new friends can help overcome feelings of loneliness. In most areas there are many different groups that meet and most welcome new members. They are usually advertised through local magazines and newspapers.  It can be daunting going along to something for the first time and it will usually take a few weeks to feel settled but it’s worth persevering to see what happens.

If you spend a lot of time alone then learning to feel more comfortable about this can really help. This time alone could actually be a time for you to learn a new skill or spend more time on a hobby that you enjoy. Challenge yourself to turn what you see as a negative into a positive. Your time alone is time to yourself to do something just for you.

 How can we help?

Here at Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy we have experienced counsellors and therapists who can help. Talking to a therapist can help you to deal with your feelings of loneliness and provide you with strategies that you can work on to overcome it. Our emphasis is on friendliness and providing a safe and warm environment. You can phone the Institute on: 0161-862-9456 to book your initial assessment or contact us via email.

 

 

Take Two Steps to Self-Confidence

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‘’Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained’’.  Marie Curie

If you happened to watch the final episode of the IT Crowd (a comedy about a technical support group in a large company) you will have seen Moss, an awkward but endearing character, get a great tip from his boss about how to be more confident.  What was it I hear you ask? ‘To wear women’s trousers’. It works for his boss so Moss gives it a try.  He puts on his women’s slacks just like Superman puts on his superhero outfit in  situations where more confidence is called for!  It works!!

If only it could be that simple.

Let’s begin by defining the word confidence. Collins dictionary defines it simply by stating that confidence is a belief in your own abilities. This belief in your own ability can have an effect on every aspect of your life.  Self- confidence shows in the way you behave, your body language, what you say and how you say it.

Self -confident people do what they believe is right, are willing to take risks and therefore stretch themselves. If they mess up they will readily admit  their mistakes and learn from them. People with low self- confidence are constantly concerned by what other people think and alter their behaviour accordingly. They dislike risk and prefer to stay in their comfort zone. They will tend to cover up mistakes before anyone notices (Mindtools.com).

Do you recognise any of these thoughts or actions in yourself or any you know?

Building Self Confidence

Building self- confidence is achievable if you are determined and focused.  You can approach  this in two parts.

Step 1

This is all about reflection on your life so far and then thinking about where you want to aim for. What have you achieved in your life so far and what are your strengths?

What are you good at? Write it down!

Now it’s time to set a goal, this could be something in the near future or something further ahead that could have smaller goals to get there. It’s worth making this goal something specific that is realistic and achievable in a certain time frame.   When thinking about your goal there are lots of things you can do to improve your confidence. A goal such as ‘be better’ isn’t going to get you very far. A goal such as ‘exercise once a week’’ or ‘sort out my wardrobe by Friday next week and buy a couple of items that flatter me’ is much more achievable.  Research has shown that  regular exercise and dressing better really do  improve confidence!

Step 2

When you set out towards achieving your long term goal of improved confidence small successes along the way will make all the difference. Celebrating your successes will keep you thinking positively; enjoy it! If you do have failures then look at them as all part of the learning process. Don’t let them stop you from achieving your goal.

Confidence is all wrapped up with Self Esteem; how you feel about being you. If you feel you need help with confidence issues or self -esteem  seeking professional help is  a very good option. Here at Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy we have experienced counsellors and therapists who can help you with dealing with the confidence issues you may have and provide you with tools and strategies so you can move forward in your life. Our emphasis is on friendliness and providing a safe and warm environment. You can phone the Institute on: 0161-862-9456 to book your initial assessment or contact us via email.

Self-Esteem; How’s yours?

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What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem answers the question; ‘’How do I feel about who I am?’’

The way we view and feel about ourselves has a profound effect on how we live our lives.  Self-esteem is learned throughout our lives from our family, the friendships that we make, our experiences at school, the workplace and from wider society.  Two very small words that effect the way we think, live our lives and impact on our happiness. Self-esteem is not fixed in place but changes throughout our lives as a result of our personal circumstances and our life experiences.

How is your self -esteem right now?

If you have high self -esteem you will view yourself in a good light.  Having high self -esteem enables you to ‘bounce back’ from difficult times in your life and significant life events such as loss.

If you have low self -esteem your view of yourself is very negative. Your focus will be on your weaknesses and the mistakes you have made in your life.

Self -esteem is an opinion not a fact.  It is your beliefs about yourself that determine whether you have high or low self-esteem. It is really important to recognise that these are only opinions, not facts. They can be inaccurate and there are things you can do to change them.  Change is not easy but you can help yourself by being realistic and seeing each small success as a step in the right direction.

What is the link between self- esteem and mental health?

If you have low self -esteem it will affect your mental health. When you have negative beliefs about yourself it lowers your ability to cope with stresses; you have less resilience than someone with high self -esteem. You are therefore at a greater risk of developing mental health problems such as depression and eating disorders.

How can I build my self-esteem?

The charity Mind say that if you want to increase your self- esteem you need to challenge and change the beliefs you have about your value as a person.

Does this seem like an impossible task? There are lots of ways that you can do this and remember that small changes do add up.   Looking after yourself physically like eating regularly and healthfully is a good place to start. Getting some exercise and plenty of sleep as well as just simply paying more attention to your personal appearance can help. Why not try smiling at yourself in the mirror every-day?

What about just having some fun? How do you like to enjoy yourself? Perhaps learn something new or arrange to be in situations where you can laugh and enjoy yourself. Join in with others rather than isolating yourself; you are important! Spend time concentrating on experiences that are rewarding and make you feel good and avoid the people and situations in your life that make you feel worse about yourself.

Taking the responsibility to make these changes is daunting but it can be done. If you just can’t get started why not talk it through with someone you can trust like a family member or a good friend. There are ten great top tips you will find on the Mind website to help keep you going.

Seeking professional help is also a very good option if you are experiencing mental health issues because of your self-esteem. Here at Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy we have experienced counsellors and therapists who can help you with dealing with the stress and anxiety in your life. Our emphasis is on friendliness and providing a safe and warm environment. You can phone the Institute on: 0161-862-9456 to book your initial assessment or contact us via email.

Anxiety Basics. Six things you need to know.

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What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a feeling of unease, worry or fear. We have all experienced it at some time or other in our lives.  It’s not  uncommon to feel worried about an impending job interview or exam, but if your feelings of anxiety overwhelm you then they can effect your day to day life significantly.

Anxiety UK say that ‘Anxiety can make a person imagine that things in their life are worse than they really are, and prevent them from confronting their fears. Often they will think they are going mad, or that some psychological imbalance is at the heart of their woes’.

Anxiety and Stress

Last weeks article was all about  stress and the response our bodies have when we are faced with a stressful situation.  In our early days as humans we developed an inbuilt response called  ‘fight or flight’ which protects us from all the dangers that surrounded us. When faced with a danger  our heart rate and breathing  get faster and our senses are heightened by the production of adrenaline and corticosteroids in our bodies. In present times, our environment has changed and so have the dangers. Most of us do not now face the fear of being eaten by a wild animal (thank goodness!)  but we  do still have the same stress response  to stressors such as relationship problems, work pressures and finances.  The  feelings that many associate with anxiety is this ‘fight or flight’ mechanism kicking in. However  instead of being used to avoid immediate danger, it is activated  inappropriately during everyday situations.

Symptoms of Anxiety

Do you feel anxious most days and struggle to relax? Anxiety can cause both mental (pyschological)  and physical symptoms which can be different from person to person.

Some psychological symptoms to look out for include irritability, impatience,  difficulties in concentration so that you are easily distracted, restlessness and a general feeling of dread.

There are many physical symptoms associated with anxiety. These include insomnia, tiredness, dizziness, shortness of breath and palpitations, stomach ache and diarrohea, muscle aches and pain and the list goes on.

You are not alone!

Anxiety  affects about 1 in 20 adults in Britain. Slightly more women are affected than men, and the condition is most common in people in their twenties (nhs).   The charity Mind say that if your anxiety is severe you may have difficulty holding down a job or maintaining relationships. The impact of anxiety on your life and those around you can be huge.

Where to get  help?

If you think you are suffering from anxiety, seeking help and a diagnosis is the best thing you can do. Talking to a GP or a qualified psychotherapist will enable you to discuss your symptoms and gain the correct therapy so  that you can take control of your anxiety. Psychotherapy is the  most widely recommended treatment for anxiety. Psychotherapy can help you to uncover the reasons behind your anxiety and then by working with your therapist you can begin to work on strategies to reduce your anxiety levels.

How to help yourself?

There are lots of things you can do to enable you to manage your anxiety. Mind suggest a range of things from relaxation and breathing techniques, assertiveness training, to leading  a healthy lifestyle. Talking about your anxiety to a family member or friend  can also help.

Remember here at the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy we have experienced  counsellors and therapists who can help you to deal with your anxiety. Our emphasis is on friendliness and providing a safe and warm environment. Why not  phone the Institute on: 0161-862-9456 to book your initial assessment or contact us via email.

 

 

Transactional Analysis reading List

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This is a Transactional Analysis reading list, which hopefully you will find useful when thinking of which,of the many. Transaction Analysis books to purchase.

I have listed some of the most important Transaction Analysis books over the years, most I like ,and they are relevant and important for any students of Transactional analysis. This reading list is given out to students who book onto the four-year Psychotherapy Training Course in Transactional Analysis at the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy. The first year TA book which the students are required to purchase for the first year of Training on the specific course, is TA today. Many of the books on the list are recommended readings for anybody on the particular course at the Institute, and also ,of course .people who are just interested in the world Transactional Analysis. I hope you find them interesting, they certainly opened my eyes up to the world of psychotherapy and specifically TA.

  1.  TA today by Ian Stewart and Vann joines  1987
  2.  Scripts people live by Claude Steiner-1974
  3.  Born to Win by Muriel James and Dorothy Joungward  1971
  4.  Transactional Analysis Counselling in action by Ian Stewart 1989
  5.  Developing transactional analysis counselling by Ian Stewart 1996
  6.  Dictionary of Transactional Analysis by Tony Tilney  1998
  7.  TA and Integrative approach by Pertuska  Clarkson 1992
  8.  TA in Psychotherapy by Eric Berne 1961
  9.  Games people play by Eric Berne 1964
  10.  Principles of group treatment by Eric Berne 1967
  11.  What do you say after you say hello by Eric Berne 1969
  12.  Sex inhuman loving by Eric Berne 1970
  13.  Structure and dynamics of organisations and groups by Eric Berne 1966
  14.  A layman’s guide to Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis by Eric Berne 1947
  15. 100 tips and techniques in Transactional Analysis by Mark wWdowson 2011
  16.  Changing lives through Redecision Therapy by the Goulding’s 1979
  17.  Achieving emotional literacy by Claude Steiner 1997
  18.  Beyond empathy by Richard Erskine 1992
  19.  Integrative psychotherapy in action by Richard Erskine 1990
  20.  The art and science of relationship by Richard Erskine 1998
  21.  Relational Transactional Analysis by Hargenden and Still  2008
  22.  Growing up again by Jean Insley – Clark 1998
  23.  I’m okay your okay by Tom Harris 1992
  24. Staying OK by Tom Harris 1994
  25.  Transactional analysis by Wool0ms and Brown 1998
  26.  Personality Adaptations by Ian Stewart and van joines 2006
  27.   Eric Berne by Ian Stewart 1998
  28.   Transactional analysis skills by Phil Lapworth 2010
  29.  Shadow above the object by Christopher Bollas 2000
  30.  Integrative psychotherapy action by Richard Erskine 1990

 

The books above represent a wide selection of Transactional Analysis books, which provide a comprehensive reading in the area of Transaction Analysis over the last five decades.  My apologies if I’ve left out some of your favourite TA books out, please let me know and I will add them to the list.